z. drakos (ghostsofnothing) wrote,
z. drakos
ghostsofnothing

  • Music:

don't forget to be the way you are.

when i lived in galway, i was a lot more involved than i am now. i belonged to a community of people stretching all across the world and actively tried to improve our situation. i gave lectures to therapists, participated in studies, talked to nervous med students. i shared my experiences with those younger and older who were just starting out and learned from those younger and older who were further along than me. there were days and nights i spent crying in my room, convinced i would be forever flawed. there were days and nights i wanted more than anything to be just like everyone else. i wanted to wake up the next morning and have all of this be just a dream. and yet i was proud of what i was doing and proud of who i was and what i stood for.

somewhere along the line i lost that. i lost my confidence, i lost my pride, i lost my conviction, and in doing that, i've lost myself. until now.

i barely know her, and i doubt she realizes the impact she's had on me in the brief encounters we've had thus far. topher would say god brought her into my life for a reason; i say fate brought us together. either way, it's the same thing.

i'm not going to hide anymore. i'm not going to pretend to be something i'm not and you can either take it or leave it. some of you already know and won't be surprised, some of you don't know and won't be surprised, and some of you don't have a clue and will wonder where the hell this came from.

i'm transgendered. transsexual. whatever. four years ago, i started taking testosterone injections biweekly. a little over three years ago i had a bilateral mastectomy. both of these things i've mentioned briefly to various people to various degrees. the point being, that without these things, i would physically be a girl. although that's not entirely true, because even before i started all that, i made a very convincing (albeit a very young) boy. and since i moved to savannah over a year ago, it's been my biggest, if not entirely well-kept, secret.

rachel, that's why my background check had a different name. crys & coti, that's why i was in the hospital for a week a couple years ago. dom & sara, that's why i have curvy hips and walk like a girl. for the first eighteen years of my life, everyone thought i was. there were a million opportunities when i could've just told you the truth, and i never did. i always made something up and slightly altered actual events because at the time, it seemed easier than having to face it head on, even though i'd already done that time and time again. but at some point it got pounded into my head (and i'm pretty sure this had to do with a certain ex-boyfriend who thoroughly enjoyed holding every flaw and insecurity over my head as a means to control. god knows why i ever loved him) that being trans was something to be ashamed of. that it meant i could never be whole, never be honest, never be accepted. all of which i know are completely wrong. i have someone who adores me for exactly who i am, who pushes me away from the slacker we all know i can be, and is just, really, the most perfect person i could ever ask for. i have great friends who don't give a shit what i was born as and don't define me as trans. and i have a family who loves and supports me in (most) of my decisions.

so. now i'm going to be honest. you might not understand exactly what i'm talking about. you might not know how to deal with it if you're hearing it for the first time. but when it comes right down to it, i'm still aleks. i'm still zane. i'm still the crazy little femme boy i always have been, this is just a side thing i have to deal with. if you have questions, ask them and don't be afraid of sounding stupid. after four years, i've heard every question that can possibly be asked and i'll answer every one of them with complete honesty (so maybe the only thing you need to wonder about your questions is, how much do you really want to know about me ^_-), and it doesn't bother me.

the only way to move forward is without fear.
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