it's 7:48 am and the sun is just now fully making an appearance in the world. i've got that jittery queasy feeling of too much coffee and too many cigarettes and too little sleep and no food. an hour ago i was standing in tallahassee regional airport trying not to cry in front of airport security as they gave me disapproving looks for loitering in front of the checkpoint while the love of my life disappeared into the terminal. it's only four days, i know, but it's the first time we've really been apart since we met and i know a lot of me being upset revolves around the last time i sent my boyfriend across the country and he didn't come back. i know it's not the same thing. but the things you know and the things you feel are never entirely the same. at some point today i'm going to have to get my shit together and go into work and deal with all the bullshit there like everything's okay. and it is, really, i guess. i just don't know what to do without him here.
so now i suppose i ought to take herself out for a walk and try to get more than two hours sleep so i don't pass out before tonight's over with.
we're back in tallyland after spending the week in savannah and it feels weird. we've been living here for 10 months now, haven't been back in sav in the same amount of time, and tally is the place that doesn't feel like home. i'd forgotten what our life was like in sav. always something to do and someone to see, neither one of us really knew how to handle it. and yeah, we were only there for five days and all our friends wanted to spend time with us, but it was like that when we still lived there. we were always meeting up with someone or scheduling time with various friends and barely spending any time at home. tallahassee is the total opposite. nothing to do, no one to do it with and all we do is work and watch movies at home. i miss our life. i miss our friends. i miss the way it actually feels to be home instead of stuck in a wasteland at the edge of the world.
"im gobsmacked. first, becuz ive never been able to find yor journal entries before. secondly, becuz i never knew that's why you didnt tell. i thot you just werent activist material. third, becuz i didnt know nik hadnt been supportive of you. but nik was ashamed of everything about himself w/contradicts his narcissism, i know, but they often go hand in hand. knowing this, why wouldnt he want you to join his shame fest?
i have long thot you one of the bravest folk i know. i have long marvelled at how motivated you were to transition, how steadfast you seemed, even as you would from time to time grow tired of the effort. (ive never forgotten you saying to me once that you wished you werent so damned special.) you know the saying about some folk are born to greatestness, some strive & some have it thrust upon them. you were born for the extraordinary, my darlin son, & you've taken to it like a duck to water.
there will be times in the future when you forget that you are a sacred being. there'll be folk like nik & topher's mother who are so intimidated by anything but the mundane that they'll cast stones in yor direction. not even the sacred are expected to go thru things on their own. remember those who love you -- topher, yor eccentric circle of friends, yor wider family & of course, the fabulous hag. we are the solid & constantly moving surface from which you launch yor being. we do so revel in you. & i believe, that of all the wondrous things which've greeted me on turning 50, what you wrote in yor journal was by far the most moving. no mother wants anything more for her child than to see him be, as the irish would say, no more than himself.
i love you like my next breath, as well you know. "
when i lived in galway, i was a lot more involved than i am now. i belonged to a community of people stretching all across the world and actively tried to improve our situation. i gave lectures to therapists, participated in studies, talked to nervous med students. i shared my experiences with those younger and older who were just starting out and learned from those younger and older who were further along than me. there were days and nights i spent crying in my room, convinced i would be forever flawed. there were days and nights i wanted more than anything to be just like everyone else. i wanted to wake up the next morning and have all of this be just a dream. and yet i was proud of what i was doing and proud of who i was and what i stood for.
somewhere along the line i lost that. i lost my confidence, i lost my pride, i lost my conviction, and in doing that, i've lost myself. until now.
i barely know her, and i doubt she realizes the impact she's had on me in the brief encounters we've had thus far. topher would say god brought her into my life for a reason; i say fate brought us together. either way, it's the same thing.
i'm not going to hide anymore. i'm not going to pretend to be something i'm not and you can either take it or leave it. some of you already know and won't be surprised, some of you don't know and won't be surprised, and some of you don't have a clue and will wonder where the hell this came from.
i'm transgendered. transsexual. whatever. four years ago, i started taking testosterone injections biweekly. a little over three years ago i had a bilateral mastectomy. both of these things i've mentioned briefly to various people to various degrees. the point being, that without these things, i would physically be a girl. although that's not entirely true, because even before i started all that, i made a very convincing (albeit a very young) boy. and since i moved to savannah over a year ago, it's been my biggest, if not entirely well-kept, secret.
rachel, that's why my background check had a different name. crys & coti, that's why i was in the hospital for a week a couple years ago. dom & sara, that's why i have curvy hips and walk like a girl. for the first eighteen years of my life, everyone thought i was. there were a million opportunities when i could've just told you the truth, and i never did. i always made something up and slightly altered actual events because at the time, it seemed easier than having to face it head on, even though i'd already done that time and time again. but at some point it got pounded into my head (and i'm pretty sure this had to do with a certain ex-boyfriend who thoroughly enjoyed holding every flaw and insecurity over my head as a means to control. god knows why i ever loved him) that being trans was something to be ashamed of. that it meant i could never be whole, never be honest, never be accepted. all of which i know are completely wrong. i have someone who adores me for exactly who i am, who pushes me away from the slacker we all know i can be, and is just, really, the most perfect person i could ever ask for. i have great friends who don't give a shit what i was born as and don't define me as trans. and i have a family who loves and supports me in (most) of my decisions.
so. now i'm going to be honest. you might not understand exactly what i'm talking about. you might not know how to deal with it if you're hearing it for the first time. but when it comes right down to it, i'm still aleks. i'm still zane. i'm still the crazy little femme boy i always have been, this is just a side thing i have to deal with. if you have questions, ask them and don't be afraid of sounding stupid. after four years, i've heard every question that can possibly be asked and i'll answer every one of them with complete honesty (so maybe the only thing you need to wonder about your questions is, how much do you really want to know about me ^_-), and it doesn't bother me.
the only way to move forward is without fear.
okay. here's the deal. my car needs $500+ in repairs, which 1. i know is way too much to be putting into him and 2. way more than i have but it's also less than a new car and not having a car is becoming rather inconvenient and difficult. so, if any of you nice people feel like being generous, you can click on the little button thingy below and donate to the save spike fund. i'll love you forever. i promise ^-^