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z. drakos
ghostsofnothing
. :...::. :::: .. ...: ::.:::: ..::.: .

September 2007
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z. drakos [userpic]

i'm tired of fighting with you.
i'm tired of everything being a struggle.
i'm tired of you always having to be the one in control.
the sooner we get all these loose ends tied up,
the sooner you can get on with your life and
the sooner you can be free of me.
isn't that what you want?

z. drakos [userpic]

certain individuals cannot seem to take a hint, however bluntly said hint is delivered.
thus, for my own peace of mind, friends only here on out.
i don't care who stares at the past trying to figure it out.
the past is gone and done with.
my future is mine.
if you're not on my friends list and wish to be, comment.
to all else, adieu.

z. drakos [userpic]

you were granted an angel
rumpled and disheveled
but pure of intent
you abused him
you broke him
you made him just like you
and then you crucified him.

z. drakos [userpic]

one minute past the darkest hour
and the angel finds the breath to stand
the broken wings and shattered smile
never lost and seldom found
he finds the truth he always knew

z. drakos [userpic]

our wayward child has left his offspring on my doorstep.
she looks just like him...
figures he'd dump her with one of his parents.

z. drakos [userpic]


[excerpted]
i went for a walk with blue, through wind and rain and cold night. we talked and listened and meandered. like we used to. nestled in a drafty house with candles and whiskey. driving empty small town streets in early morning winter fog. climbing trees and catching toads.
i've known him his entire life. he gave me an identity, pulled me out of being the simple creation of a shy, awkward boy running through forests creating a world of friends-brothers-not-so-alone. my smile. zane's eyes washed in brown. ren's desperate hope. i was his best friend when no one could see past that quiet reluctance. i sat with him in his room of cloves and lavender, coffee and cigarettes. computer screen candle light shadowing his bleeding arms and tearless eyes. he dredged the eyries of his mind to give me love, security, family, belonging. meticulously molding every detail to perfection.

he's all grown up now, though. he has to do grown up things with grown up people. and i have to wait. patient, understanding, eternally his. if i could steal him away from the life he has, subtly cast him alongside his own creations, i would. he may not be any happier here than he is now, but he might. is that a chance worth taking?

he was never meant to love anyone as intensely as he loves the one he loves.

through all the twisting wanting bleeding fighting searching wondering debating crying screaming wishing... he is me. i am him. totally different, entirely the same. i was created to give voice to all the things he couldn't say, all the things he couldn't show. now he's found his own voice, and i have mine.

you will never know him the way i do.
all the little intricate things that make him just the way he is.
i wish you could.

we sit in the smokey cafés of his mind whispering truths just for me. for him. the quiet things no one ever knows from the mouths of downcast angels searching for redemption. searching for a place. searching for a soul.

z. drakos [userpic]

Late at night in a two-room apartment, a boy sits in front of his computer. Arms curled around his knees. Chest jerking in constricted gasps. Blurred vision focused on nothing at all. The song stabs through his heart with every painful word. The musky cologne still embedded in green pjs just make him seem that much more gone. That much more absent and unreachable.

The knocking startles him. Scares him a little. Cautiously, he crawls out of his cocoon, wipes away the tears. Attempts composure as he peers through the peephole. His heart and stomach lurch in opposite directions. Fear. Relief. Comfort. He opens the door, the possibilities still spinning through his mind as he takes in the bleached blond hair over glittering drunk green-grey-blue. The cavalier smile through out-of-breath heaves.

"You're wearing my pj's."

And he melts. Knowing for this one, he always will. For this one, he will do anything. For this one, he will sacrifice anything just to please. He knows, for this one, he is lost.


and all the time i devoted
with you standing by my side
i'm giving up so you can
go on with your life

z. drakos [userpic]

see the animal in his cage that you built
are you sure what side you're on?
better not look him too closely in the eye
are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
see the safety of the life you have built
everything where it belongs
feel the hollowness inside of your heart
and it's all
right where it belongs

what if everything around you
isn't quite as it seems?
what if all the world you think you know
is an elaborate dream?
and if you look at your reflection
is that you want it to be?
what if you could look right through the cracks
would you find yourself--
find yourself afraid to see?

what if all the world's inside of your head
just creations of your own?
your devils and your gods all the living and the dead
and you're really all alone
you can live in this illusion
you can choose to believe
you keep looking but you can't find the woods
while you're hiding in the trees

what if everything around you
isn't quite as it seems?
what if all the world you think you know
is an elaborate dream?
and if you look at your reflection
is that you want it to be?
what if you could look right through the cracks
would you find yourself--
find yourself afraid to see?

z. drakos [userpic]

please. just give me a break.
what do you want from me?
do you want me to lose it entirely?
totally give up and say 'fuck it'?
isn't it enough that you took everything?

be careful what you wish for.
you know you'll get it.

z. drakos [userpic]

i'm glad you're happy.
as much as i don't want to be
i am.
i wish i could have made you happy
i'm sorry i didn't
but i'm glad you are now.
be safe, dahlink.

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