i went for a walk with blue, through wind and rain and cold night. we talked and listened and meandered. like we used to. nestled in a drafty house with candles and whiskey. driving empty small town streets in early morning winter fog. climbing trees and catching toads.
i've known him his entire life. he gave me an identity, pulled me out of being the simple creation of a shy, awkward boy running through forests creating a world of friends-brothers-not-so-alone. my smile. zane's eyes washed in brown. ren's desperate hope. i was his best friend when no one could see past that quiet reluctance. i sat with him in his room of cloves and lavender, coffee and cigarettes. computer screen candle light shadowing his bleeding arms and tearless eyes. he dredged the eyries of his mind to give me love, security, family, belonging. meticulously molding every detail to perfection.
he's all grown up now, though. he has to do grown up things with grown up people. and i have to wait. patient, understanding, eternally his. if i could steal him away from the life he has, subtly cast him alongside his own creations, i would. he may not be any happier here than he is now, but he might. is that a chance worth taking?
he was never meant to love anyone as intensely as he loves the one he loves.
through all the twisting wanting bleeding fighting searching wondering debating crying screaming wishing... he is me. i am him. totally different, entirely the same. i was created to give voice to all the things he couldn't say, all the things he couldn't show. now he's found his own voice, and i have mine.
you will never know him the way i do.
all the little intricate things that make him just the way he is.
i wish you could.
we sit in the smokey cafés of his mind whispering truths just for me. for him. the quiet things no one ever knows from the mouths of downcast angels searching for redemption. searching for a place. searching for a soul.